So word is officially out that I'm a vegetarian. Some friends never knew, some still don't, and some thought that I've been vegetarian for years. So for those who are curious to know the real journey, do read on.
I've always 'felt' for people, even as a kid. I only mention people because it didn't start that way with animals. My earliest memory of abusing animals was when I was in Grade 1 in Noranda Primary School in Western Australia. One of the school gardens had a wire mesh cage full of fluffy yellow chicks, and one of my pastimes, when no-one was watching, was luring chicks to eat blades of grass I would hold at the corner of the cage, and pull at their tails sticking out through the mesh. I knew it was wrong but I felt a sort of satisfaction that I exercised power over something smaller than me. Then there was the time when I was 11, when my cousins and I lined up live snails on the road outside my aunt's house, laughing til our sides hurt whenever a car passed by and made shards of snail shell whizz in all directions. I have since then taken long, drawn-out dips in the karmic pool. But I still do very vividly recall that feeling of superiority over other defenseless living things, and deriving pleasure from it.
(I think that is why I do not react so impulsively to blatant cases of animal abuse in Malaysia. I know what might be going through their heads. Like me, they just didn't know any better. Now that I do, I do get frustrated and angry, but I know that letting my emotions get out of control will not aid much in nurturing better mindsets, which is the real solution.)
Luckily, I was given the gift of a proper education. I learned how to read, and devoured books on nature. The initial thought eventually occurred: If I like animals, why am I eating them? I first entertained the thought of going vegetarian as a college freshie at 16. For the first time, I was in a canteen, in charge of picking my own food. That mock 'char siew' sure looked interesting. I also met my first Malaysian vegetarian friend, Janet Lee. I ended up eating vegetarian food as regularly as I felt I could bring myself to, even if it was just once a week. It gave me such an ego trip that I decided to try skipping meat at family dinners. My folks would have had none of it. I was told off and humiliated into putting chunks of beef or pork back onto my plate. One day at a coffee shop, my father threatened to 'flip the table upside down' if I didn't eat my pork. Reluctantly, I gave up creating conflict on the home front, and agreed to the rule of “Whenever you are out, eat anything you want. When you come home, you eat what is cooked for you.”
But year by year, with the care taken by one tiptoeing through a room full of mouse traps, I executed my strategy of removing the meats one by one. First to go was beef and lamb. Ignorantly, I gorged myself on mock meats when I worked at ASTRO that year, in 2001. I couldn't help it – their cafeteria spread was delectable and hugely assorted. C'mon, if it's meat-free then it's healthy, right? Silly Davina. I refer to it as my 'Fat Elvis' period. Unfortunately, I barely have pictures from that era to illustrate this.
Then I went back to college, and dad's intimidating presence was lessened after starting a business in Sabah. I pushed my luck with my mom, with spare ribs being comically passed from one plate to another. Mother was relentless. Most times, I would let her win.
Dad separated from the family in 2007. By then I had already been making known my support for animal rights, and almost dropped chicken completely from my diet. I still felt like I was cheating my way into being called a vegetarian – to some people, fish doesn't count as a meat – but I was thinking to myself Hey, I care so much about animals, and I'm doing so much for them already... Isn't eating seafood a fair compromise? In 2010, I moved out and taught myself how to cook vegetarian food, and only relying on fish when access to my nutrient needs outside seemed difficult.
This year, shortly after recovering from my appendectomy, I gave up my pescetarian ways and emancipated myself from a life of self-doubt. My 12 years of patience and greater awareness had finally paid off.
Even with only fish in my diet, I felt lighter and more energetic. My skin cleared up. My frequency of sickness was the most apparent, from several times a year to once in a blue moon, and my recovery rate vastly accelerated. Mind-wise, I feel more focused. I no longer need to worry about the animals that died for my sustenance, and now I can invest the energy I used for doing that into other productive thoughts and nuggets of creativity.
The reasons why I have turned vegetarian has varied over the years. I was brought up to believe that compassion was a trait of human weakness (it is, in truth, the exact opposite!), so I usually covered up that stance with health, environmental and political reasons without even fully interpreting them for myself. But over the past few years I have exposed myself to research, to videos, to undercover findings. I have educated myself to the point of no return. One of my strongest reasons, at this moment, is the ways of the factory farm. It is to me the most impractical, unethical and unsustainable part of modern living. If I was brought up in a poor rural village somewhere, tending to a traditional farm, toiling the fields, tending to the animals, and slitting goat throats with my own knife and hands for dinner, I would most likely have not felt the need to go vegetarian. Alas, I live in a society that directly supports a system of gross maximum profit, minimizing financial costs at the expense of the environment, to animal welfare, and to our own health. Factory farming is such a money magnet that anything and everything is being done to keep the proverbial wool over our eyes. And we, as consumers, are more than happy to endorse this, choosing to stay as disconnected as possible to the food that is on our plate.
This extends to the fishing industry too. Over the last year I have learned about 'bycatch' and fishing methods that destroy the ocean floor that is likened to deforestation on land... Oh My Heck. So much inefficiency. So much wasted life.
So this is the year that I have chosen to not be a part of it anymore. I represent what people fear to know and believe and acknowledge. That is why my beliefs get shot down so quickly by some non-vegetarians. Taste has always reigned over principle. Food is ingrained in our culture. We use food to fortify, to bond and socialize, to rejoice, to honor and reward. Eating meat is such a sensitive subject because EVERYBODY EATS. There is no grey area: in the most literal sense, it's a basic case of supporting the suffering and killing of animals, or just not. So if one does eat meat and is faced with the facts, the choices are also naturally clear-cut: to reflect inwards, or to defend or attack because it's more convenient. Those who do accept me for who I am now apologize or ask for permission before they eat meat in front of me. When I 'came out' with my appearance at a PETA demonstration earlier this month, little did I realize that my decision to go vegetarian also became the decision to make most people feel slightly uncomfortable around me for the rest of my life.
But it is going to allow me to learn more about the human condition. One of my ongoing pursuits in life is the pursuit of empathy. Where I come from in urban Kuala Lumpur, from a conventional Bak Kut Teh-slurping Malaysian Chinese background, I now am part of a minority of vegetarians-by-choice. I will be judged and challenged for my values. And I will strive to spread awareness to the best of my ability, as much as I will strive to be aware of thoughts and values that are different from mine. If anyone feels that they have a (yet another proverbial) bone to pick with me, I want to know about it! My only expectation is one's open, logical mind for a conducive exchange of experiences. My involvement with the PETA demonstration was not an attempt to diss or preach or instill my lifestyle onto my fellow friends. It was just a way of me saying “Hi Everyone, I'm doing this and it rocks my socks, and I am celebrating by sharing this knowledge with you just in case it might benefit you too. Don't worry it's free.”
Picture by Tati Ambia
Twelve long, emotionally turbulent years have lead me here, to one of the most exciting and significant turning points of my life. I am grateful that you are bearing witness to it. I look forward to starting this new chapter of further understanding each other, and bringing great salads to your parties.
Thank you for reading.
Lettuce be loved,
Davina
